Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.