WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
good for her
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.