I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
You Might Also Like
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.