[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
meanwhile over on facebook
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts