[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
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I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Who called it a wolf in sheep鈥檚 clothing and not a woolf?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Mountain Goat : )
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it鈥檚 a bad thing
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
me: listen I鈥檓 pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 馃槒
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS