My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
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What about second breakfast?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls