Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
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Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?