*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
who did the taste test?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.