WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
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rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
they really do be looking like this
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
the dark web is just a goth google.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.