We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.