“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
When you kidnap a writer.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
uh oh
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft