*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
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Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Krampus.