[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
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There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
i will avenge u mr van gogh
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life