A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
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I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.