*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
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me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*