Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.