“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
You Might Also Like
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
He is just living hist best little life 😊
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.