*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks