Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun