*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
You Might Also Like
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?