Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!