When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.