*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
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GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email