If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
You Might Also Like
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I鈥檓 from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I鈥檇 like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My friend鈥檚 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it鈥檚 3 v 1 but if you lose, you鈥檙e eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 馃拃
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.