I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!