I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
How about daylight saves us for once
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid