After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me if I was a dog