I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
You Might Also Like
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…