When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?