“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”