Unimpressed
You Might Also Like
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
the Monday after daylight savings
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice