Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
the simulation is moving too fast
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.