Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
There’s never enough good news
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*