Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?