Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
You Might Also Like
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”