Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM