Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
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3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Not recommended for beginners.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
i’m still crying at this
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Why font matters.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.