“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
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Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me linking you to my twitter
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
This is enough internet for the day.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!