Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
You Might Also Like
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
The news in a nutshell.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.