Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this