It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”