The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
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My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts