Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.