I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?