I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
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please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
こいつ天才
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”