*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
You Might Also Like
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.