BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)