*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
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my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around