FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
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Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…