I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
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[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.